A Glass Half Shattered
I wrote a guest blog for Sandy at “A Glass Half Shattered“.
Please stop by and check out her blog.
As an advocate for change in the mental healthcare model, I hope that alternative methods will be as mainstream as the medical model that is prevalent today.
It is about choice.
Sandy has chosen the psychiatric model to help her. I support her and her decision.
Sandy describes herself as “a normal 26-year-old paralegal, wife, and mother living with borderline personality disorder”.
Sandy writes with brutal honesty about how hard it is to navigate the commonplace some days. But, rarely does a week go by that she doesn’t let her readers glimpse a snapshot of her darling kids or comment on the fact that her garden is growing. By reading her blog, we know that Sandy is struggling to present a frank and sincere account of her effort to maintain an even keel for her kids and husband.
Lately, Sandy has been writing about wearing a mask so well that people no longer know how hard the battle is for her.
When my daughter was entrenched in the psychiatric system, the most harmless encounter at the grocery store left me completely exposed and ducking for cover. Gardening next to the sidewalk became a tactical maneuver: ipod and sunglasses attached like armor, no one stopped to talk. I walked the dogs like I was a woman on a mission; I was busy and could not be interrupted. I deflected all party conversation to the other person’s interests, immediately. If my daughter was coasting, feeling good, I might be more adventurous, but when she was stuck, I closed off, marshaling my resources, and stayed close to home.
All this to avoid the simple question, “How are the kids?”
I didn’t want to tell the truth. Or lie. Or really even have to explain. That is the mark, the stigma of “mental illness” – exactly what I want to leave in the dust.
I read a bit of Sandy’s blog. As a quick impression, something about it doesn’t ring true.
Hi Rossa,
Welcome back!
Please elaborate on your impression of Sandy’s blog.
Hi, actually I was trying to find your personal e-mail because I have questions re BPD and people I know and I didn’t want to publically speculate about what their issues may be or put down my suspicions about the blog. After I wrote that about the blog not ringing true, it occurred to me that maybe that is what’s going on in part with BPD. The people I am close have an annoying tendancy to never divulge their real selves. Everything is wonderful (except when it’s not, of course). Case in point, a friend works in a shoe shop but her mother claims she’s “in management” because I guess working in a shoe shop is not the image the mother wants to project. I have noticed that I never get the real story from the whole family. The blog writer talks abuot wearing many masks, so maybe that’s the same as looking like a fake. Nobody else is fooled. The blog writer also seems awfully aware and literate for a 26 year old so I began to wonder if she was a writer testing out a new theme. It’s obvious that there’s a lot of masking going on, so there seems to be some honesty there. Sorry this sounds so critical, but as I said, I would have put it in a personal e-mail because I really am trying to understand the people I referred to.
Hi Rossa,
You can contact me at kaulland@gmail.com.
There is a tendency with people like my daughter to not comprehend boundaries of self. Also to not be able to define themselves and to look for verification from outside sources.
Sandy is the real deal. In comparison to my daughter, yes, she is light years more mature and focused. But, that is not to say that I do not believe every word of her posts.
Kris, I will go read your guest post. I am sorry I haven’t been commenting but I never miss a word you write!
I am Sandy’s mother. I promise you, she is the real deal. She IS 26 years old, and has struggled since puberty…She is my precious daughter, she is highly intelligent, she is a paralegal, and she is trying so hard to make a difference…I support her completely, even when she is writing her version of history and how she interprets it.
I post supportive comments from time to time…I have learned so much from Kris’s blog, and I thank you, Kris, for all you are doing. What exactly is it that doesn’t “ring true”? I can give you some information that may surprise you, in regard to her IQ and how she spent the most of her life studying and how I was told she didn’t develop proper social skills….If you want to know about Sandy, ask someone who knows, but please do not question her integrity, or imply that she may be “just a writer.” Sorry if my bear claws are showing, but this kind of post, should Sandy read it, could discourage her, and that makes me…well…angry…
Sandy’s MOM
Thank you for stopping by, Marilyn.
I am glad that you read my blog and I am happy that you know that I admire and support Sandy every way that I can. In fact, I am in awe of her and all that she does. With the guest blog that I wrote, I wanted to highlight that Sandy is open and tries to be very honest about the battles she faces every day. Sandy never shies away from showing the difficult parts along with the joy of raising her kids and trying so hard to be a member of the family even when she doesn’t have a shred of energy. This combination of “real life” tangled with the on-going work to heal is what makes her blog so compelling.
Keep supporting and loving her.
My daughter’s interpretation of events varies with the wind. That is not to say that my daughter is not intuitive and intelligent and kind-hearted. I think much like Sandy, that the pressure, mostly self-imposed, to succeed and do things “right” overshadows almost everything else – even the “truth” as we see it. I have learned to be very forgiving.
The main thing is to validate and support our girls. We need to help them when we can to a place where they feel safe and validated ALL the time. It is possible. Our daughters are going about this journey in very different ways. I hope that they both make it.
I wrote an email to the woman who wrote the comment about Sandy’s posts not “ringing true” and described behaviors of people like my daughter and Sandy. I tried to flesh out and give background to what she might have misinterpreted. Another story, her mother-in-law’s conduct, became the focus. Perhaps this dialogue opened a different door through which to view her relationship with her mother-in-law.
I do hope that Sandy doesn’t read between the lines and become discouraged by comments on my blog. I know that I protect my daughter fiercely, too. I would do the same for Sandy.
xx kris
You are so right…Sandy tries so hard to do things right, and she is very hard on herself…as you say about your daughter, much harder on herself than anyone else. I think that is where the self-harm comes in. I am so proud of her for not giving in, or giving up.
Sandy, like your daughter, has been on so many different drugs to try to get her relief, and she is getting better, a little more each day. She has long periods where she manages very well, and then she cycles backward, but she gets back up. The idea that she is not exactly what she says as best she can describe it, is so unfair….
She was hospitalized twice before she graduated high school, both brief, stabilizing stays, where they changed her meds, etc…but she made up her classes, graduated, and graduated college with honors…all the while being tormented mentally with bouts of identity crisis…eating disorder, cutting…it was horrible, and I felt I should be able to do something to help her, but I didn’t know what to do. I trusted the doctors as best I could. When they said BPD, and her therapist gave me the book ‘I hate you, Don’t Leave me’…I read a few chapters and said, bull crap…mostly because of the narcissitic characteristics. I never saw Sandy as narcisstic, or self centered. I thought she worried too much about everything..from her classes and grades, (always striving for 4.0) to worrying about her sister and me at home, and taking on way too much for her age. Sorry, I am going on and on…It is just that you seem to really understand this and I so admire you for speaking out, and helping all of us. God Bless You, and Thank You for all you are doing.