Where is God?
My faith in God was shaken away bit by bit. I do not want to believe in a God who would allow my daughter to suffer the way that she has. I sat across from her last fall and watched her small adult body racked with so much emotional and physical pain that the sobs were just an afterthought. We were sitting across from each other with our knees together and I could see every new tear join the smeared mess on her cheeks. She was alternately agitated and falling into a paralyzed lump. She was totaled. A wreck. Her mind poured out fear and anger and confusion in mind-boggling arguments and accusations. Her body was mangled by self-harm, bruised and bloodied.
I gave up my belief in God that night.
Trusting that God will not give you more than you can handle was just not believable. If there was a God, this benevolent omnipresence guiding and protecting – where was HE/ SHE? Standing by watching?
I don’t know who was being tested. No doubt my daughter was beyond her limits. But, what about me? No one should have to discuss suicide with their daughter. If I can perform this miserable act, then what? What did He/She have planned for me next?
My daughter described a long drawn-out sad descritpion of her life, the endless cycles of dispair and inability to concentrate or enjoy anything. She couldn’t hold a job.
“What does tomorrow bring for me, mom? Nothing. Nothing different. It’s not worth the pain. My soul wants out of my body. I want to let it go.”
I said that I would see her on the other side. I told her that I understood, even though I did not understand and I was shattered inside and knew that it was not right. I nodded in agreement and damned a God who would allow this to happen.
The ultimate surrender. Okay, YOU win. I give up, take her. Free her from all this pain.
But, we didn’t give up. I kept fighting – almost as hard as my daughter.
Is this God?
That spark of light that my daughter cannot put out? My fierce love for her that permitted me to let go?
I am still unsure of my beliefs but I do know that something keeps driving my daughter, even when it seems she is no longer at the controls. Something pulled her out of the depths of hopelessness that night last fall and lead her to today.
She will go to Australia this afternoon. It is not a perfect send-off. She is fretting over this and that – like we all do when we head out on a long trip away from home. I am keenly aware of the tone of her texts. Her voice sounds cheerful and small. Like she is hanging on for dear life. But, she is going on an adventure and my cautious heart wants to sing, but I won’t let it.
I am going to thank God, like I do every day. I was never able to completely divorce myself from the concept of God. I just want some answers.
Why? My daughter could barely breathe, much less put one foot in front of another, and yet the grief and sadness kept piling on. And then it abated, briefly. When the pain and suffering cycles into her life again, I am reminded of my question – Why? She doesn’t deserve the constant struggle to just get through the day.
I don’t know if I could blindly trust God to take over. I read so many blogs where the writer has found solace in “Let go. Let God”. I am fighting it tooth and nail but I think that it is the only way. Call it what you want, God’s divine force, or self-determination, or just the will to live. I think that I have to step back and let go. I have done this before under much more dire circumstances. My daughter’s life is going to be what she makes of it. It really doesn’t matter what she accuses me of doing or not doing. It doesn’t matter if I believe in God’s love or not, my daughter’s life is difficult and I cannot change much of it. We keep a roof over her head and make sure she has money to feed herself. But, her life, the core of her being, is all hers. Ultimately, every choice she makes, along with the consequences, belong to my daughter.
This ultimate surrender is what too many of us face. Letting go in the face of addiction and mental illness feels impossible. As caretakers we want to be able to do something that will significantly improve the playing field. But, it isn’t our game and we have to stand on the sidelines.
There is no way I would have made it through all the stuff with my daughter (past, present, future) if it weren’t for my faith in God.
Like you said about the sidelines, my believing in God has made it *that much* (sometimes little, sometimes lots) easier to step aside, knowing God, her Father, is taking care of her. Not to say I don’t have to remind myself daily!!! But for me personally God IS.
I hope you get a good report from her when she lands.
I really like your playing field analogy!
God bless.
Your words hit me hard because I have thought the same thing in reference to God. It wasn’t that many years ago when I had an unquestionable faith in God, unshakable – or so I thought. I actually called myself an atheist for about a year, but apparently it was more anger than true atheism. I just don’t understand how God can allow such suffering if he/she is “Love”.
The letting go part has become self-preservation for me. Its not easy but its necessary.
I am hoping the very best for your daughter’s trip to Oz. Its a wonderful place (from what I hear). Keep us posted on any updates you get from her.
Hugs to you dear Kris.
I’ve been there, many times, asking where is God. At times, I hated the word ‘hope’ because it was all I had. I started a habit of planting wildflower seeds in the early spring years ago, as a reminder of watching, waiting, and patience. Each year different and more abundantly–the flowers come back. I’m currently watering an old window flower box I planted wildflower seeds in, and they’re up about 4 inches. I have no idea what flower I will see once they bloom. That’s kind of like our kids, isn’t it? Faith comes in many ways to people, and some times, when we feel we have nothing left, is when to take time to look at small things, like the cultivation of a garden, etc. It also gives a nice place to have peace of mind. One day at a time.
“I said that I would see her on the other side. I told her that I understood, even though I did not understand and I was shattered inside and knew that it was not right. I nodded in agreement and damned a God who would allow this to happen.”
From my personal experience, Kristin – when you did this (quote above) you gave your daughter the best gift that can be given to someone in this state….unconditional love….and acceptance. You validated her emotions, accepted it, let it go and gave her the freedom to make her own choice. And she did. You took a step in faith and let go of the outcome.
I know it’s hard. I grieve for you and your daughter.
May I suggest that you visit my friends blog today – they are discussion the church/god/religion thing. I think you might find it enlightening. Perhaps. Or maybe not. I have resolved my relationship with that thing bigger than me and found it to be quite different than what I was taught by man. Here is the link: http://bit.ly/cIYDOy
Please stay in touch.
Hi Stephany,
One day at a time. When my parents left, I breathed a sigh of relief and realized that sometimes it is one minute at a time! I cannot believe how insensitive they are. My mother is insisting, in daily unanswered emails and voice messages, that I understand that she and my father just want to have their pollyanna-ish hopes and dreams. Whatever. I am with you – find grace in the little gifts I run into unexpectedly everyday. Lately it has been the ridiculously funny antics of my daughter’s puppy – chasing her tail and catching it, and with it still in her mouth, looking up at me and smiling around it. Like, “Check this out!!”. Or, the way my garden has taken over my afternoons and I don’t resent a minute of time I spend pruning and watering. I am laughing at myself that I let the broccoli bud out. It was just so pretty. Now it looks like a big bunch of yellow flowers. It happened so fast; one day it was ready and the next it was done…
Anyway, I think when life has thrown up too many traumas and feels overwhelming, it is important to pare back expectations so that the simplest thing can give me joy.
xx kris
Thank you Susan,
I read this link once and then again and I will go back to it. There is something about organized religion that is hard for me to follow. But, I haven’t “thrown the baby out with the bath water”. I am restructuring how I value it in my life.
I only realized that letting go was the gift that it was long after the event. It was too painful to really dissect what happened until months after we lived through that night. I agree that it was a gift to let her own complete control over her life, without the strings of family attached.
Her black and white thinking often gets in the way of her assessing relationships – she sees what she wants when she can. But, yes, I love her unconditionally. And, hopefully, someday she will come to recognize me for who I am. But, it really isn’t necessary. It is what it is for me and nothing can change that. Some relationships change the course of your life, and my relationship with my daughter did just that for me. It is not all trauma and drama. The gifts are intangible but huge – witnessing the will and determination to live when all forces were against my daughter was a lesson about self-determination and inner strength that I couldn’t have learned better elsewhere. She is amazing and if there was ever anyone who you can hold up as an example of – “If she can do it, then I can too” – my daughter is a perfect case in point.
xx kris
Kris – you are wise and compassionate. I honor you, your daughter and your journey. S.