Comments on: Damn Optimism http://borderlinefamilies.com/2010/07/damn-optimism/ A Place for Healing Thu, 06 Jan 2011 10:39:20 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Kris http://borderlinefamilies.com/2010/07/damn-optimism/comment-page-1/#comment-1367 Kris Sat, 10 Jul 2010 16:00:38 +0000 http://borderlinefamilies.com/?p=162#comment-1367 Hi Sallyo, I feel like I did when my daughter was away in treatment. I don't know why because this is far from those confined and watchful circumstances. Maybe it's because I am not really "on call" with her being so far away. I am sleeping like a rock. And, during the day, my subconscious is working through tons of stuff that has had to be put on the way back burner. So, in a way I am taking good care of myself. The absence of drama has eased the tension that seems to be a constant - even though my daughter lives in another state, she is very present in our everyday lives. xx kris Hi Sallyo,
I feel like I did when my daughter was away in treatment. I don’t know why because this is far from those confined and watchful circumstances. Maybe it’s because I am not really “on call” with her being so far away. I am sleeping like a rock. And, during the day, my subconscious is working through tons of stuff that has had to be put on the way back burner. So, in a way I am taking good care of myself. The absence of drama has eased the tension that seems to be a constant – even though my daughter lives in another state, she is very present in our everyday lives.
xx kris

]]> By: Sallyo http://borderlinefamilies.com/2010/07/damn-optimism/comment-page-1/#comment-1331 Sallyo Wed, 07 Jul 2010 22:18:18 +0000 http://borderlinefamilies.com/?p=162#comment-1331 Thank you for the kind words, Kris. I think you're right about the parent/child bond and the instinct to take care of them. When our older kids were teens (5 at one time), our home was anything but calm, and I was anything but level-headed! I learned from lots of trial and error and many, many tears how to let go of them so they could live their own lives. Even now, it's an ongoing challenge, and we definitely have our family dramas and times of deep concern about them. I think it's the nature of parenting. I hope your daughter will have a great time in Australia and can keep her triggers away. It must be tough on her and you both as you work through her illness. Just don't forget to take care of yourself. Thank you for the kind words, Kris. I think you’re right about the parent/child bond and the instinct to take care of them. When our older kids were teens (5 at one time), our home was anything but calm, and I was anything but level-headed! I learned from lots of trial and error and many, many tears how to let go of them so they could live their own lives. Even now, it’s an ongoing challenge, and we definitely have our family dramas and times of deep concern about them. I think it’s the nature of parenting.
I hope your daughter will have a great time in Australia and can keep her triggers away. It must be tough on her and you both as you work through her illness. Just don’t forget to take care of yourself.

]]> By: Kris http://borderlinefamilies.com/2010/07/damn-optimism/comment-page-1/#comment-1304 Kris Mon, 05 Jul 2010 15:23:37 +0000 http://borderlinefamilies.com/?p=162#comment-1304 Hi Sallyo, It is the cyclical nature of the illness that is so devastating. Just when my daughter thinks she has left<em> it</em> in the dust, or handled a potential trigger well, she gets slammed. The episode that she had at the end of May - the one I wrote about starting May 25 - she felt it coming on for weeks. She said that she had tried everything to keep it at bay. With my daughter, her coping skills are NOT what a doctor would prescribe and I am sure involve too much alcohol and too many benzos, but she tried - she said <em>everything</em>. She is not taking antidepressants or antipsychotics or mood stabilizers like lithium anymore. Instead of using a chemical, it seems she relies on me to pull her out of the depths when she gets too far gone. The drugs never worked anyway. I am always available. It is NOT a perfect situation. I am always amazed by your level-headed approach to everything. I need to learn some of your patience. I guess being a mom and not a spouse makes it a little different; the mother/daughter relationship is inherently set up for me to be the caretaker - a spouse you go into things hand-in-hand. xx kris Hi Sallyo,
It is the cyclical nature of the illness that is so devastating. Just when my daughter thinks she has left it in the dust, or handled a potential trigger well, she gets slammed. The episode that she had at the end of May – the one I wrote about starting May 25 – she felt it coming on for weeks. She said that she had tried everything to keep it at bay. With my daughter, her coping skills are NOT what a doctor would prescribe and I am sure involve too much alcohol and too many benzos, but she tried – she said everything. She is not taking antidepressants or antipsychotics or mood stabilizers like lithium anymore. Instead of using a chemical, it seems she relies on me to pull her out of the depths when she gets too far gone. The drugs never worked anyway. I am always available. It is NOT a perfect situation.
I am always amazed by your level-headed approach to everything. I need to learn some of your patience. I guess being a mom and not a spouse makes it a little different; the mother/daughter relationship is inherently set up for me to be the caretaker – a spouse you go into things hand-in-hand.
xx kris

]]> By: Kris http://borderlinefamilies.com/2010/07/damn-optimism/comment-page-1/#comment-1303 Kris Mon, 05 Jul 2010 15:08:52 +0000 http://borderlinefamilies.com/?p=162#comment-1303 Thank you Anna, Barbara and Carolyn and Heather's mom, After I took a long break from being the main caretaker of my daughter, I really thought that I had a handle on this stuff. I refused to get on the emotional roller coaster ever again. Ha. That promise to myself lasted a fraction of a second in the face of reality. My therapist always gives me the lines I <em>should</em> use. They all recognize the problem and never offer anything except knowledge that there is something not working right in my daughter's life. "I hear how distracting.. "I hear that you are very upset..." It feels so <em>removed</em> but I guess it is the way to go. It worked this week - for me anyway. And, I think for my daughter, too. She kept saying, "I can't. I can't, " and I kept pointing out how she in fact was doing what she said that she couldn't. You are right, Anna. She was completely worn down and I really did think that she was going to collapse and she did, but only briefly. I think she spent a day in bed and then her addiction got her going. She wasn't going to leave town without her beloved benzos and whatever else she has convinced the quack to write for her. She spent three hours on a train to visit him in his office outside the city. She is supposed to leave today and I think that she probably will get on the plane. Worrying at this point would be useless. There is little I can do to mitigate the possible stress that she will be under while she is there. I am going to try to stay positive and hope for the very best. But, as you can tell from my recent posts, I am less optimistic. I need to rein in my hope and confidence and just take what comes. xx kris Thank you Anna, Barbara and Carolyn and Heather’s mom,
After I took a long break from being the main caretaker of my daughter, I really thought that I had a handle on this stuff. I refused to get on the emotional roller coaster ever again. Ha. That promise to myself lasted a fraction of a second in the face of reality. My therapist always gives me the lines I should use. They all recognize the problem and never offer anything except knowledge that there is something not working right in my daughter’s life. “I hear how distracting.. “I hear that you are very upset…”
It feels so removed but I guess it is the way to go. It worked this week – for me anyway. And, I think for my daughter, too. She kept saying, “I can’t. I can’t, ” and I kept pointing out how she in fact was doing what she said that she couldn’t.
You are right, Anna. She was completely worn down and I really did think that she was going to collapse and she did, but only briefly. I think she spent a day in bed and then her addiction got her going. She wasn’t going to leave town without her beloved benzos and whatever else she has convinced the quack to write for her. She spent three hours on a train to visit him in his office outside the city.
She is supposed to leave today and I think that she probably will get on the plane. Worrying at this point would be useless. There is little I can do to mitigate the possible stress that she will be under while she is there.
I am going to try to stay positive and hope for the very best. But, as you can tell from my recent posts, I am less optimistic. I need to rein in my hope and confidence and just take what comes.
xx kris

]]> By: Carolyn http://borderlinefamilies.com/2010/07/damn-optimism/comment-page-1/#comment-1301 Carolyn Mon, 05 Jul 2010 12:51:09 +0000 http://borderlinefamilies.com/?p=162#comment-1301 Ditto on the optimism comment... Hugs and prayers Carolyn Ditto on the optimism comment…
Hugs and prayers
Carolyn

]]> By: Heather's Mom http://borderlinefamilies.com/2010/07/damn-optimism/comment-page-1/#comment-1298 Heather's Mom Mon, 05 Jul 2010 00:22:38 +0000 http://borderlinefamilies.com/?p=162#comment-1298 I like what the counselor told Anna, as that is what I am trying so hard to do myself ("empathize with her without internalizing her angst"). It's so hard not to let my feelings be dictated by my daughter's feelings. I'm hoping once your daughter gets on the plane for the photo shoot some of her anxiety/negativity will dissipate and she'll have a successful trip. God bless. I like what the counselor told Anna, as that is what I am trying so hard to do myself (“empathize with her without internalizing her angst”). It’s so hard not to let my feelings be dictated by my daughter’s feelings. I’m hoping once your daughter gets on the plane for the photo shoot some of her anxiety/negativity will dissipate and she’ll have a successful trip. God bless.

]]> By: Barbara http://borderlinefamilies.com/2010/07/damn-optimism/comment-page-1/#comment-1285 Barbara Sat, 03 Jul 2010 02:47:53 +0000 http://borderlinefamilies.com/?p=162#comment-1285 I need to learn the same lesson about optimism because its so often a false sense of hope. Hugs to you. I need to learn the same lesson about optimism because its so often a false sense of hope. Hugs to you.

]]> By: Anna http://borderlinefamilies.com/2010/07/damn-optimism/comment-page-1/#comment-1284 Anna Sat, 03 Jul 2010 02:15:37 +0000 http://borderlinefamilies.com/?p=162#comment-1284 Kris, Thanks for being part of habitat for humanity! I think that is so great. Regarding your daughter, It seems to me that so far, she has done what she had to do and it work her down. None the less, she did it. I am betting that she will make it to Australia. She hides her insecurities and anxiety from the world but dumps it all on you. As a counselor once told me, you need to learn to empathize with her without internalizing her angst! Hah, I know for sure that that one is easier said than done. I know that I can not make my daughter's life happy. I am grateful every time I witness or contribute to happy moments for her. Happy fourth of July. Kris,

Thanks for being part of habitat for humanity! I think that is so great.

Regarding your daughter, It seems to me that so far, she has done what she had to do and it work her down. None the less, she did it. I am betting that she will make it to Australia. She hides her insecurities and anxiety from the world but dumps it all on you. As a counselor once told me, you need to learn to empathize with her without internalizing her angst! Hah, I know for sure that that one is easier said than done.

I know that I can not make my daughter’s life happy. I am grateful every time I witness or contribute to happy moments for her.

Happy fourth of July.

]]> By: Sallyo http://borderlinefamilies.com/2010/07/damn-optimism/comment-page-1/#comment-1279 Sallyo Fri, 02 Jul 2010 15:52:00 +0000 http://borderlinefamilies.com/?p=162#comment-1279 I'm sorry to hear about this setback. It's so frustrating; both for those who suffer from this illness, and for those of us who love them and have to watch from the sidelines. I hope she'll work through this episode all right. I understand what you mean about optimism. I suppose we should live with hope tempered by realistic expectations, but it's hard to do sometimes. My husband said the same thing the other day after he recovered from a bad cycle: "Just when I think I have this illness licked, it comes back to bite me again." Hope it gets better for you! I’m sorry to hear about this setback. It’s so frustrating; both for those who suffer from this illness, and for those of us who love them and have to watch from the sidelines. I hope she’ll work through this episode all right.
I understand what you mean about optimism. I suppose we should live with hope tempered by realistic expectations, but it’s hard to do sometimes. My husband said the same thing the other day after he recovered from a bad cycle: “Just when I think I have this illness licked, it comes back to bite me again.”
Hope it gets better for you!

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