Damn Optimism
My daughter was riding an emotional high for a couple of days and I caught the good vibes. I felt so relieved and hopeful. My posts exuded optimism. It makes me want to cry. I am so gullible. MY need for her to experience happiness seems to override reality.
The day before yesterday things turned negative again. The cycle, that unrelenting pattern – I can’t believe I can still ignore it! It has ruled her life and mine for far too long for me to disregard it. It is this cheery optimism that knocks me down. I have to remember this for next time. DO NOT TRUST YOUR OPTIMISM, KRIS.
The move was hard, messy and incomplete. I think she might have left a couple of boxes with the sublet-er. Whatever, does it matter? Only if you obsess about it. She was and passed it to me. Now I am.
One day everything was exciting and wonderful, and now her world has collapsed.
“Why did I do this?” she wailed into the phone.
“I am homeless!” she howled from the hotel room that I rented for her until she leaves for Australia. (A couple of days to pull herself together in air-conditioned comfort.)
What was going to be an adventure is now a trip full of hazards. She can’t stand the woman she is traveling with. Her body is in pain. She is developing a sinus infection. She can’t think straight and has a list of things the length of her arm that needs to be completed before she leaves. I could have written this script if I hadn’t been so sideswiped by optimism.
She doesn’t think she will be able to make the trip.
Two days ago I did a Habitat for Humanity Woman Built project. My daughter called mid-day and over the power tools screeching and hammer blows I could hear real uncertainty in her voice. The movers were “bad” and there was some problem with the storage facility. I had to get back to work and told her to call dad if she needed anything. She sounded lost. Scared and stressed. The rest of the day I was preoccupied. Over lunch they usually do a team-building exercise – tying knots together, falling into each other’s arms. This year they handed out copies of statistics of homeless teens in Minnesota. This group of pollyanna mommies were appalled that some families ask their kids to leave when they turn 18 because they don’t have the money to support them. When the topic of mental illness came up, everyone studiously kept their eyes on the papers in front of them. UGH.
By the end of the day, there was no pulling her back from the edge; my daughter’s life had slipped off the edge into chaos. Her mindset was negative. I made a couple of feeble attempts to help organize her thinking by trying to make a plans for the next few days, but she was getting sick and there was a video conference with the company in Australia she had to get to and there was this and that and two boxes left in the five floor walk up that she didn’t think she could handle and she hadn’t eaten and her boyfriend wasn’t being emotionally supportive and, bottom line, she was homeless and ”this was a stupid idea”. Hint hint. She likes to blame me. Anyone but herself.
Yesterday my beloved dog, Chio, had to have dental surgery. Little dogs and anesthesia do not get along. I was a basketcase all day. Having had my optimism shot to hell, I expected the worst.
He came through surgery ok. But, my daughter is not doing well. I spoke to her briefly. She was sick. She started on the list and then got angry and announced that she was going back to bed.
I’m sorry to hear about this setback. It’s so frustrating; both for those who suffer from this illness, and for those of us who love them and have to watch from the sidelines. I hope she’ll work through this episode all right.
I understand what you mean about optimism. I suppose we should live with hope tempered by realistic expectations, but it’s hard to do sometimes. My husband said the same thing the other day after he recovered from a bad cycle: “Just when I think I have this illness licked, it comes back to bite me again.”
Hope it gets better for you!
Kris,
Thanks for being part of habitat for humanity! I think that is so great.
Regarding your daughter, It seems to me that so far, she has done what she had to do and it work her down. None the less, she did it. I am betting that she will make it to Australia. She hides her insecurities and anxiety from the world but dumps it all on you. As a counselor once told me, you need to learn to empathize with her without internalizing her angst! Hah, I know for sure that that one is easier said than done.
I know that I can not make my daughter’s life happy. I am grateful every time I witness or contribute to happy moments for her.
Happy fourth of July.
I need to learn the same lesson about optimism because its so often a false sense of hope. Hugs to you.
I like what the counselor told Anna, as that is what I am trying so hard to do myself (“empathize with her without internalizing her angst”). It’s so hard not to let my feelings be dictated by my daughter’s feelings. I’m hoping once your daughter gets on the plane for the photo shoot some of her anxiety/negativity will dissipate and she’ll have a successful trip. God bless.
Ditto on the optimism comment…
Hugs and prayers
Carolyn
Thank you Anna, Barbara and Carolyn and Heather’s mom,
After I took a long break from being the main caretaker of my daughter, I really thought that I had a handle on this stuff. I refused to get on the emotional roller coaster ever again. Ha. That promise to myself lasted a fraction of a second in the face of reality. My therapist always gives me the lines I should use. They all recognize the problem and never offer anything except knowledge that there is something not working right in my daughter’s life. “I hear how distracting.. “I hear that you are very upset…”
It feels so removed but I guess it is the way to go. It worked this week – for me anyway. And, I think for my daughter, too. She kept saying, “I can’t. I can’t, ” and I kept pointing out how she in fact was doing what she said that she couldn’t.
You are right, Anna. She was completely worn down and I really did think that she was going to collapse and she did, but only briefly. I think she spent a day in bed and then her addiction got her going. She wasn’t going to leave town without her beloved benzos and whatever else she has convinced the quack to write for her. She spent three hours on a train to visit him in his office outside the city.
She is supposed to leave today and I think that she probably will get on the plane. Worrying at this point would be useless. There is little I can do to mitigate the possible stress that she will be under while she is there.
I am going to try to stay positive and hope for the very best. But, as you can tell from my recent posts, I am less optimistic. I need to rein in my hope and confidence and just take what comes.
xx kris
Hi Sallyo,
It is the cyclical nature of the illness that is so devastating. Just when my daughter thinks she has left it in the dust, or handled a potential trigger well, she gets slammed. The episode that she had at the end of May – the one I wrote about starting May 25 – she felt it coming on for weeks. She said that she had tried everything to keep it at bay. With my daughter, her coping skills are NOT what a doctor would prescribe and I am sure involve too much alcohol and too many benzos, but she tried – she said everything. She is not taking antidepressants or antipsychotics or mood stabilizers like lithium anymore. Instead of using a chemical, it seems she relies on me to pull her out of the depths when she gets too far gone. The drugs never worked anyway. I am always available. It is NOT a perfect situation.
I am always amazed by your level-headed approach to everything. I need to learn some of your patience. I guess being a mom and not a spouse makes it a little different; the mother/daughter relationship is inherently set up for me to be the caretaker – a spouse you go into things hand-in-hand.
xx kris
Thank you for the kind words, Kris. I think you’re right about the parent/child bond and the instinct to take care of them. When our older kids were teens (5 at one time), our home was anything but calm, and I was anything but level-headed! I learned from lots of trial and error and many, many tears how to let go of them so they could live their own lives. Even now, it’s an ongoing challenge, and we definitely have our family dramas and times of deep concern about them. I think it’s the nature of parenting.
I hope your daughter will have a great time in Australia and can keep her triggers away. It must be tough on her and you both as you work through her illness. Just don’t forget to take care of yourself.
Hi Sallyo,
I feel like I did when my daughter was away in treatment. I don’t know why because this is far from those confined and watchful circumstances. Maybe it’s because I am not really “on call” with her being so far away. I am sleeping like a rock. And, during the day, my subconscious is working through tons of stuff that has had to be put on the way back burner. So, in a way I am taking good care of myself. The absence of drama has eased the tension that seems to be a constant – even though my daughter lives in another state, she is very present in our everyday lives.
xx kris