Warning Sign or Just a Glitch?
Damn! I spoke too soon.
My daughter almost succumbed to the chaos that she found herself in mid-day yesterday. Ex-father abuse, the sublet-er wanting to move in as early as possible, the search for movers and storage facilities (where ? Brooklyn? Lower East Side?), everything needing to be decided – yesterday. Should she pack this here or in that box? Too many little things overwhelming her so that her next move seemed impossible to make. In shambles, she called. Crying and bruised from a verbal fight with the ex-father, starved because she hadn’t taken time to eat and so stressed that her words came out in a jumble, I could barely make out what she was saying.
It felt like she had made a significant step forward and yesterday plummeted two steps back.
Amazingly, she is not giving up.
She just needed to vent.
Bravo ME for not rushing out to help her. (My first instinct is not always the best. I listened very carefully and held my tongue and didn’t offer anything but support from afar.)
I am hoping that she will step on the flight to Australia and feel like she has learned some life skills that will help her deal with stress along the way.
Fingers crossed. I think it is okay to have big dreams for my daughter.
A new perspective brings with it new challenges and often unforeseen results. This was a great post to read; for it sometimes is the hardest choice not to step in and fix it, but stand back with wise encouragement allowing problems to resolve themselves on their own timing and accord.
I wish your daughter a great journey and experience down under, and much success moving along this bumpy road given to us as life.
She had to vent but she kept moving forward. It sounds like she took care of most of this work herself. Good for her! Good for you too!
Good job by both of you.
Thank you Anna,
More fear and self-doubt today but this evening, my daughter wrote an amazing text so full of pride in herself that she could accomplished so much. It was hard won; but she did it. I know that we are treating her like she won a Nobel Prize. Who cares? From where she came, this is equivalent! (Well, maybe I am exaggerating, but you know what I mean.)
The word that came to mind as I read about her latest challenge was “resilience”. She has faced a lot of storms, she’s needed guidance and support through some (who doesn’t?) but she continues to do what she wants to do and has the guts and tenacity to do things a lot of people wouldn’t have the courage for. I think you every reason to have high hopes for her. And good job to you for not jumping in, but allowing her to vent and move on. So often that’s what I need too…just to get it out, receive some understanding and empathy, then pick myself up and continue.
Hi Barbara,
Today is moving day for my daughter and I am out of phone range for most of it doing Habitat for Humanity. At first she was totally freaked out but then said, “OK, I’ll call dad if I need anything.” (She calls my current husband, “dad” and the ex-father by his first name.)
Yes. She is feeling confident. I love hearing this. It is so rare.
A thought – my history of trauma and abuse was dismissed for the entire duration of my enmeshment in the mental health system. What I have since learned is that the maladaptive coping and response behaviors were not at all a “defect” or “disorder” – but a normal response to some abnormal life experiences.
I of course don’t know your daughters history – for me though and for my daughter who was also abused by her father – we were taken into the MH system and our “behaviors” were medicated and we were labeled “disordered”.
Truth is – there was never anything “disordered” about us other than the life experiences that interfered with our sense of self and ability to develop healthy coping/resilience to manage with life; thus – the easily overwhelmed drama at the simplest of life events that were more than what I could handle in any given moment.
The drugs also affected the ability to cope – thus multiplying that sense of somehow being “wrong” – that I “should” be able to handle life, make decisions etc…except that my brain had been fried for nearly 20 years. Now – I do my best and must pace myself as I re learn how to cope with normal life events and overcome the damage done by all the drugs that altered my brain chemistry for so long.
Your daughter is fortunate to have you, Kristin.:)