Comments on: Visit Amanda

By: Kris

Kris — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 13:10:32 +0000

I started writing the blog with no idea how to get readership. I still don’t know the ins and outs of how the searches work and I wish I did. Because you are right, there is a much bigger community of people dealing with spouses and children and friends who are struggling with mental illness and do not know where to turn.
When we set out to find help for our daughter, I was completely alone. Totally without a sounding board. The process was so devastating to me and my daughter, that I would like to spare people from the pain we went through. We were at the mercy of hospitals and doctors and people who called themselves doctors, who were actually social workers – you name it. I looked to each one like they might have the key. No keys. Lots of drugs. Lots of well-intentioned therapy mixed in. But, basically, I want to warn parents who trust in every idea that is throw their way.
Mental illness is pervasive throughout our society but it is still shrouded in disgrace and humiliation. But, isn’t it amazing when you open the door a little?
Yesterday I was at the dog park and a man whom I know – Bella’s dad – asked what I do. I told him I write. I never volunteer about what at first. When he asked, I said that I write about mental illness and he said, ‘”I have some of that!”. He wasn’t joking. And, off he went. This happens all the time.
An agent once asked me who I thought my reading audience would be. I answered “You and probably most of your neighbors. There is lots mental illness out there…” I think she thought I was being flippant. But, I wasn’t.

By: Kris

Kris — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 12:41:46 +0000

Thank you anna,
I have only stumbled around the starting blocks. You got out of the gate and finished the race. From what I have heard about the process, that is a huge accomplishment. All your information has been very helpful. I will contact Kathy and try to get started again.
xx kris

By: Peggy

Peggy — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 04:16:37 +0000

Kris, I think most parents with a BPD child go through the same grief processes as a person who loses a loved on: shock, denial, a feeling we will beat this thing, anger and depression and finally some acceptance. It is a long journey that takes years. Most of us are also terribly embarrassed at first as everyone who isn’t living the lives we do offer unsolicited advice about how the young person is manipulating us, it isn’t real, and they are a bad person. There is a reluctance to go public with ones friends and family that may well also engender fear of posting material on the internet for the world to see. My guess is that many parents do not even know that this sort of support group you started even exists. I found you be accident one night when in the depths of frustration did a Google search about BPD daughters and how parents could help them. Somewhere on page three or four buried in a comment by an equaly stressed parent was a link to your site and a testimony about how helpful it has been to read your postings. I suspect more parents will do the same as they gain more acceptance of the condition and seek for better answers than the DSM and relatd articles on the subject. We need practical guidance, support and to feel some community from other parents, not blame or more articles on how many criteria the patients meet support the diagnosis.

By: Anna

Anna — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 01:27:17 +0000

I only did this once so I am not an expert. I am sure if you call Kathy or email her on her website that she will tell you where you can apply. I think it is anywhere. Also, I would put your address as her permanent one so they send the paperwork to you and your attorney. A disorganized person could never handle this ton of paperwork and deadlines!

If a mentally ill person has done this alone, I am really surprised. It would take a very devoted and organized third party to do it for them.

By: Kris

Kris — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 12:56:48 +0000

My daughter is 25. She will be 26 in September. I am really thankful for this information, Anna. I didn’t realize that I could get a lawyer here in MN to handle this case. I thought that applying rules changed state to state. In fact, a lawyer here in MN told us that when we first began this over a year ago. I still might make it to Williamstown. We’ll have to see. If my daughter has to have the surgery, maybe I will go out east. Or, dreaded thought, she will come here. We should tackle it then.
Thank you for sharing your expertise on this complicated subject,
xx kris

By: Barbara

Barbara — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 02:13:09 +0000

Kris, I left a comment on the new post from today that says the same thing…I am not a broken record…its just so clear every time I read your blog that you have gone above and beyond what many parents would be willing to do. I’m sorry your daughter says things to hurt you. She may never realize all that you’ve done and that not all parents would be so willingly and supportively help her. But you know.

By: Anna

Anna — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 00:15:52 +0000

@anna

http://www.njdisabilitylaw.com Kathy Brackin My attorney who we saw three times. No charges unless and until she wins including consultation. This is really true. She is very very calm. You can not shock her but she is also very very undemonstrative in her own personality. She is not unkind just not expressive. It can be a little disconcerting.

If you apply before she is 22 then she is called a disabled adult child. She will get part of your SS when you retire or die. It seems that the government expects us to contribute until that time. We expect to also but it is very hard on families that are just making ends meet. This will not subtract from you SS only add to hers.

Let me know if you decide to come to Williamstown. I will meet you for coffee if you are up for it. SSI goes for the entire country. YOur attorney can be anywhere. Even in your home town.

By: Kris

Kris — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 14:05:31 +0000

Yes. Yes. Yes. Exactly. I am going to write today about the stigma of mental illness and we poor parents who are struggling to maintain a semblance of a life – despite it all – while care-taking. I will refer to your comments. You and I are really in the same boat. I know that we are not alone, but where are the other people raising children with BPD? Not reading blogs because they are too worn out by their lives? Or, having accepted the blame, submerged in grief and self-medicating, I am afraid. That is the typical story; family dysfunction and illness caused by stress is pervasive in our community.

By: Peggy

Peggy — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 22:49:58 +0000

Well written Kris. I am amazed at how the trend in psychology is to still blame the exhausted parents, particularly the mother, and encourage the chidren to do so for every mental illess. For BPD we invalidated them. The invalidation of the parent who is trying so hard is unbelievable. The mom is usually the main one in the trenches, desparately pleading with the schools to help their unfocused and “odd” child succeed, trying hard to foster peer friendships for the rejected child, taking the brunt of the misbehavior, accepting the unacceptable, holding the sobbing daughter until 4:00 AM to try to prevent the self abuse, staggering to work a few hours later to provide the much needed health insurance, jeapordizing her job with the endless need to be out for emergenicies, hosptalizations, therapy visits, pharamacy runs, treatment centers, scourng the internet for answers or new treatments until 2:00 AM, all while enduring the raging accusation of the ill daughter and reading the material on her latest diagnosis that say the roots may lay with poor parenting. It is a wonder that any of us are still standing. But as you so well put it, we have to. Frustrated as we get, hurt, blamed, exhausted and worrying about whether we are doing more harm than good, we dust off and march on. It’s not a martyr wish either. It is an instinct to protect your young and see them survive in the face of every adversity. I hope one day the psyzchiatric world will understand as they have with schitzophrenia that more often than they think today, parents didn’t create this terrible illness—–they reacted to it they best they knew how from the start. First with trying to parent the out of control child and not knowing what is causing it (obviously making mistakes in the process by trying to react as you would with a well child), then with Herculean efforts to find the right help and being there at every crises. You spoke well for us all Kris. Thank you.

By: Kris

Kris — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 18:16:52 +0000

You are so kind. Really, Barbara, the blogging world has given me a whole different perspective on our family’s situation. I was so cocooned into our secret world for so long, it is a relief open the doors and find an honest voice to say it like it is – and, then, a gift to have such concerned and committed readers to my blog.
My daughter has told me too many times that I screwed up her life. But, yes, you are right, I am devoted and continue to love her. But, I have to admit, it feels good to hear from you that maybe I am not so bad…
Thanks for reading and caring,
xx kris